I-I know, I just--you're right, it is stupid! Nevermind! I don't know why I'm being such a chick anyway. I'm just kinda on edge. All this shit this week, even the good stuff, the really awesome stuff, I feel like I'm letting my guard down and I'm gonna get fucked for it. [goes over and drops his chin onto Mika's shoulder]
I know I'm not a chick, but I am letting my guard down. Of course someone's gonna fuck me over, probably soon. When the hell did I get so weak? I could stop this now if I weren't such a pussy about it!
Tch, I ask myself that everyday. I feel fucking pathetic all the time and I hate it. I'm not like I was and I'm not sure I like this me and I don't know what to do and I'm being influenced by humans and I DON'T LIKE IT.
Exactly, dammit, ex--exactly! I could go, right now I could go find Jasdero, we could go find that Porn Bishop and set him on fire, it'd take two seconds, and then Ribbons would hate me forever and I'd never have to fucking worry again about when's he gonna start hating me forever? I could go find your boyfriend, rip off his wings, huh? Then you'd come after me and try to kill me and it'd finally be done with! No more wondering! No more waiting to fuck up, I'd never have to worry again about you hating me, because you already would! I'd have Jasdero and everything would go back to normal! Him and me and no one else, the way it always was! So why, why the fuck can't I just do it!? Why am I this weak, why's it hurt to think about???
I have to spend all my time here worried and walking on god damn eggshells! I never get to just do what I fucking want anymore! You know, before I'd just do whatever the fuck I wanted, screw how it affects anyone else or what they think! But now I always have to stop and think about what Shigure or Rabi or Ogiue or Raph or whoever else will think and if it will make them mad again and if they'll leave me because of it! Nobody is ever happy with me anymore. And if I do something that makes one person happy, it pisses off another one. In the end everyone is fucking miserable ESPECIALLY ME!!!! I'm trying really fucking hard to hang on to the little bit of sanity I have left but I really have to wonder what the point is! GOD DAMNIT.
Everyone judges you! Everyone leaves you! No matter what they say! Maybe they think they'll be happy with you forever, but that's stupid, it's a lie! We're all just trying to delay what's gonna happen anyway, and for what? Just to be fucking paranoid about it every minute?? Why am I doing this!? I'm that upset about what someone else will think of me? Who cares when it's just a matter of time before they do? W-why is anyone happy with me . . . why make me feel that way and then take it away after all??
Everyone just chooses someone else anyways. Having important people just makes you worried. When it was just Raph, I didn't have anything I had to worry about losing. Especially since it was just friends. But everything changed and now the stakes are higher and I don't think I want to play anymore.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
. . . What?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)